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Mix-Tape Hell

Mix tapes . . . what can you say about them. Anyone who says they've never made one is just a big liar. All your friends immediately peg you as a sentimental sap. But it doesn't have to be that way. I've had some awesome mix tapes made for me, and I've made one or two that I'm damn proud of (hey, any mix tape with two Motörhead tunes ain't exactly sappy). There are a few songs, though, that can't in any way be considered suitable for a mixtape . . . unless you're in Junior High School, then you get a pass. Otherwise, immediate loss of all CyberMonkey cred for using them. So here, in no particular order, are the Mix-Tape killers.

If this works for a girl, it ain't a girl you want!

There are Foreigner songs you can mix-tape - all were released BEFORE Foreigner IV

I loves me some Carpenters, but this one is a little too sugar sweet

Hey, Seals & Crofts, hippie doesn't have to equal WIMP!

OK, this one got me laid - in Junior High!

Sorry, it just sucks. An overly sentimental piece of crap from an over-rated musician who believes way too much of his own hype.

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto? No . . .

If I even have to explain this, you shouldn't be here.

"What will it take till you believe in me?" Maybe - Grow a pair and stop whining?

I don't even know what this song means, and I don't want to.

Please God no . . .

Alright ladies, we all know that T&A can get you far in the world, but it's no excuse for a bad mixtape! Just because you don't have that Y-chromosome doesn't mean you gotta get all gooey when putting together some songs for your latest stud. To help you out, here's a few songs that NEVER EVER need to go on that tape:

The Carpenters have their place (your mom's), but it's not on a respectable mix tape. And after seeing 1408, this song is just downright creepy.

He may be the king of sappy sentimentality, but any man who falls for this...isn't gonna fall for a woman.

The song was great the first fifty times we heard it. With enough tequila, it can still be kind of fun. But trust me, it's wooing days are over.

Nothing says "let's get our braces stuck together" like Open Arms over shitty speakers...let's grow up a bit, shall we?

If this is the best Rod Stewart song you can choose to show your love, please call me. I'll help you pray for forgiveness.

Yes, it's a classic love song full of emotion and grace...but your man might be less bored if you sat and read him the entire novel.

If you were alive and dating in the 80s, you put this on at least one tape. That's enough.

Don't get me wrong, Chicago fucking jams and I love me a good flute solo...but if this doesn't say 7th Grade Homecoming Dance, I don't know what does. (hint: try Beginnings or Make Me Smile instead)

Do I even need to explain the atrocity of this one? I don't think I do.

Linda always had something a little dirty about her, but there's nothing even remotely scandalous about this bi-racial duet. These guys show that boring knows no color.

You thought you were being hardcore when you dug up this metal ballad monstrosity, but it's painful enough to make your honey want to close his eyes forever. Besides, its status as a love song is questionable (you stab me in the heart, let's go to your grave, i can't trust you, die bitch die).

Rounding out the bad duet trifecta, we have the song that only gets you laid in movies and on UPN. Yes, it was funny in Happy Gilmore, but in reality it's just plain torturous.