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5 bands you DON'T have to like

OK, all you aspiring flingers of fecal matter . . . here's one for you. You all know the bands you love, and you all know the bands you hate, but sometimes . . . there's a band that not only gets a high level of public success, critical praises, but even other musicians seem to be falling at their feet begging to kiss their ring. And in the back of your mind . . . you just don't like them. But you're afraid to say anything. I mean, who are YOU to disagree with everyone else who loves them? NO MORE! The CyberMonkeyDeathSquad is here now . . . WE'LL be the ones to tell you what is and isn't cool.

OMG! Sometimes even a CyberMonkey can be shocked! HOW did these guys even get popular enough to be mentioned in this list? I'll tell you how - by playing to the middle. Give them credit . . . they are able enough musicians, and Chris is a talented (scratch that) SKILLED songwriter . . . in the sense that he knows how to write a hit. But you can't help wanting to see his notebook . . . to see if he keeps the "formula" written down. There's no passion, there's no feeling, there's no SOUL! Plug Tab A into Slot B, fold along Line B, apply one coat of fake sincerity, and BOOM . . . the song is on the charts. And everyone buys into it. Well, I for one refuse to drink the Coldplay Kool-Aid. This is one of the best examples of blatant mediocrity masquerading as "heart-rending", "passionate", and "fresh". Fresh? How the hell is this fresh?

And just to be sure we didn't miss the fact that it ain't rock-n-roll, Chris Martin married Gwenyth Paltrow. Gwenyth is an attractive lady, and a decent actress . . . but if there's one thing she's not, it's rock-n-roll.

So, the next time someone tells you how great Coldplay is, laugh in their face and tell them the CyberMonkeyDeathSquad says NO!

Here's the first clue - when someone tells you they are the "next Beatles" . . . they're NOT.

When someone tells you how great they are - they SUCK!

Find me one thing about this band that's not a blatant, calculated rip-off of a much better band. ONE THING! I DARE YOU! Even the constant fighting between the Bros Gallagher is a calculated rip-off of the fightin' Davies brothers. All of which would be acceptable if they didn't walk around TELLING everyone how great they are. So why does the press love them so much? Why do they shove this crap down your throat until even you question your own judgement about how crap-tastic they are? Because it sells . . .

Liam, Noel . . . you're not the next Beatles. You're the most recent band to try to COPY the Beatles. You're TRACERS! Better bands than you created the music, the attitude, the style . . . you're just copying it, handing it in to teacher, and hoping nobody notices. Lucky for you, teacher noticed but didn't care. Now shut the fuck up, cash your checks, and enjoy the ride.

Remember when Metallica rocked? Remember when they were Metal? I hope you do, because I don't think they remember.

First among their sins . . . the Black album. It's genius. Well crafted, well produced. Pefectly calculated to SELL LOTS OF ALBUMS.

It couldn't have been more apparent unless they called the album Metallica - SELLS OUT!

In fact, the CyberMonkeydeathSquad now decrees that from this point forward, Mtallica is not allowed to use the word Metal in their name. Henceforth, they shall be known as Middle-of-the-Road-ica.

Second among their sins - being WHINEY PUSSIES. This list is not the place to debate the legality or ethics of music sharing, but it is the place to say this - When you have as much FUCKING MONEY as these guys have, you can't bitch that you could have made more if people hadn't STOLEN our music. Here's a direct quote from Lars in a Playboy interview "But understand, 80 million records later, I don't know what the f*ck to do with all the money I have." And then we have our frontman James, whining because metallica's "fans" sided with napster "Because they're lazy bastards and they want everything for free. I like playing music because it's a good living and I get satisfaction from it. But I can't feed my family with satisfaction." Funny, I though he was feeding his family with the millions of dollars he'd already made from the pockets of his "lazy" fans.

I should have said something about how much they whined in that movie they made, but I can't, because I refused to see it. James and Lars have seen the last dollar of mine that they'll ever see.

Oh, and by the way - Jason Newsted rocks! He gets a free pass on all of this, because we all know he wasn't allowed to have an opinion when he was in Metallica. He's cool . . . because WE say so.

They used to be cool
Then Bono got a big head
And we stopped caring

Who the hell do i think I am, putting The Doors on this list? I'm a frickin CyberMonkey, that's who I am.

I think Dennis Leary said it best when he said "We need a two and a half hour movie about the Doors? Folks, no we don't. I can sum it up for you in five seconds, ok. 'I'm drunk. I'm nobody. I'm drunk. I'm famous. I'm drunk. I'm fucking dead.' There's the whole movie, ok!? Big fat dead guy in a bath tub, there's your title for you."

The Doors did do some great stuff. The Doors also did lots of crap. LOTS of crap. Jim Morrison was not a poet. He was not a mystic. He was not a visionary. He was a massive ego who drank too much, did too much acid, and decided that every idea that flowed into his drug-and-alchol damaged brain was "genius". It wasn't. But he did get lots of poon. Very rock-n-roll, but not genius.

Being a visionary artist with something important to say - very cool. THINKING you're a visionary artist with something to say when you're not one - that's deserving of a handful of hot wet monkey-pooh.

Oh, and just in case you missed it - Jason Newsted ROCKS!

"Dude, they were so cool, real rock and roll man. They saved us from cheesey pop metal!"...NOT! How about screechy-voiced brat sings with drunks. And they didn't kill pop metal, it imploded all by itself.

Why the hell should you be considered not cool for disliking the lesser half of Uncle Tupelo.

Ok, I'll give you the guitar noise before the chorus in "Creep", beyond that. Yawn. The band that has spawned a hundred other completely forgettable bands.

But he's the voice of a generation! ... More like the voice of an alpaca in heat.

But he's the greatest songwriter ever! ... Sez you.

But he's a genius! ... See alpaca comment above.

'Nuff said.