October 01, 2006
What makes YOUR friends so f-ing perfect?
Folks, you really need to watch what you say in public, you never know when the "clueless rube" you're talking to is really a CyberMonkey gone incognito for the day. One lucky critic gets the tables turned on him . . . it's time to fling some pooh!
Just so you know, I'm not always in a bitter mood. Some days, I'm actually quite jovial. And then some idiot has to open his mouth and say something so blatently stupid that the CyberMonkey in me comes out . . . I'm at a film festival, trying to have a good time, see some cool flicks, and maybe meet a few like-minded people. I'm icognito, looking fairly human (at least as human as I ever look), just chilling out. It's already been a great week for me, hell, it started out with me getting a bear hug from Leatherface (Andrew Bryniarski, star of the excellent 2003 version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the soon to be released The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning) . What could be cooler than that?
So anyway, about 4 or 5 days into the festival, I'm outside having a Marlboro Red and getting some sun, and I get into a conversatioon with some folks, one of whom is a film critic for a website that shall remain nameless. This guy is talking about one of the films, which was written and directed by some friends of his, and he says that he won't review the film, because he makes it a practice not to review friend's films - he's afraid that someone will mention that he's a friend, and that will make his review sound biased, and "hurt the film". Not sure that was valid (is he really important enough that anyone would care?), but no reason to throw a monkey fit yet. I made the comment that it's a good practice because that gives you an excuse not to do a negative review of their work. You don't want to trash your friend in public, right? OOOOOPS! The guy gets all indignant on me . . . "None of my friends would make anything I'd give a negative review." He went on to explain to me how he and his friends have the same ideas about what is and isn't good, blah blah blah. Give me a frickin' break!
What the hell makes your friends so fucking infallible? I don't care how symbiotic your thought processes and values are, anyone can make a steaming piece of crap. Even the great Bob Dylan has released an album or two that really isn't up to his usual awesomeness (Bitter MF, you can keep your opinion to yourself here). You know, maybe there would be less crap out there if artists had friends with enough balls to say "This sucks, dude!"
What sort of arrogant prick stands there and says something like that? I can understand it from the average person, but this guy is a fucking critic! He should know better. Sure, most of my friends are on the same wave length as me. The vast majority of the stuff they do I love. But sometimes . . . they goof. We all make mistakes, we all do work from time to time that isn't as good as it should be, or as it could be. A real friend will be honest with you and tell you that.
Here's an example . . . my fellow CyberMonkey, Bitter MF, is a hell of a guy. I love him like a brother. I respect his work. But sometimes - he screws up. Did you see his list of the 5 Bands You Don't Have To Like? The dumb ape actually had the nerve to criticize Dylan! And I was enough of a friend to tell him he was an idiot, he was wrong, he was clueless, he hasn't got the appreciation for songwriting that God gave a goat. Did it hurt our friendship? Hell No!!! Bitter MF is Monkey enough to take it. He knows he's wrong (he won't admit it yet, but he knows), and I'm sure he appreciates me for calling him on it.
If none of your friends ever do anything you can justly criticize, then they aren't trying hard enough, or you're totally devoid of any filters when it comes to their work. Or your just an arrogant prick who knows better but spouts bullshit when you have an audience . . . watch out, you might be a target from some hot wet monkey pooh!
Favorite Feedback
Beckworth from Amarillo writes:
fling on you angry primate!!
Opposable thumbs help you fling straighter!
Rock On, brother . . . you're a cybermonkey in training!
Chim Chim from Austin writes:
Austin is filled with film Fag-natics! Supposedly if you live in Austin your a F*cking film expert. Well Austinites can produce the same crap anyone else can. And if your such a F*cking film wanabe that you can't tell someone they made a
steaming pile of sh*t, then you deserve to have your ass ripped by someone who knows
better!
And I thought I was harsh!