March 24, 2008
Watch Out for the Cornhole!
Is it a game or a lifestyle choice?
It's fun to randomly browse the Internet . . . clicking on links just to see what there is to be seen. Usually it's just mind numbing garbage, or boring old "news" (like I care what Obama's preacher thinks about the Constitution?) . . . but sometimes you strike gold! This time, it was just a random link on the side of a page . . . I don't remember what page, or even what sort of stuff I was looking at, but my ever vigilant CyberMonkey senses were alerted to an ad for Official Cornhole Boards. I can usually ignore an advertisement . . . but not this one. I mean, seriously, I thought I knew a thing or two about the ancient art of cornhole, but none of my experiences involved a board . . . and what's this about "official"? I better click this link and find out what I've been doing wrong!Turns out, Cornhole is a game. But MagnificentBastard, I always thought cornhole was serious business!! No, cheeky Monkey, it's a game played by the redneck hillbilly NASCAR set. Well, duh . . . and convicts too, I guess! Believe me, I understand the confusion . . .
But seriously, some guys got together and created a game where you throw beanbags filled with corn (cornbags?) at a board with a hole in it . . . kind of like horseshoes without the strenuous physical activity. That's right, Cletus, just throw this wee little bag at that board over there . . . didja hit it? Good yokel! Then, racking their brains to the limit of their capacity for cognitive thought, they said: Corn . . . Hole . . . Cornhole! Part of me wants to think that they actually saw the double entendre in the name, and decided to perpetrate a practical joke . . . but then I looked at the websites of the (not one but TWO) official Cornhole regulatory bodies, looked at the pictures of the people involved, and saw that sadly, that wasn't the case. Billy Bob and Bubba just accidentally created some of the funniest content on the web. Some actual quotes:
It's great for family outings (offer good only in Arkansas and West Virginia)
No fuss, no muss! (really? I'd like to see how they manage that)
During each inning there is a top and a bottom (obviously!)
An inning is never completed until all contestants pitch (I'm guessing extra equipment is needed if your playing an intergender match?)
Safe for everyone - no metal or pointed objects (Well, I saw this on OZ and one of the guys was using a shiv, but maybe that was an exception?)
Our brothers and sisters in the military are in the forefront of spreading the game where ever they go! (Don't ask, don't tell!)
For veteran Cornholers, being ranked relative to other Cornholers around the country is great fun. (I remember when it was all about the cornhole, not the competition.)
And finally, I give you this heading from a forum at AmericanCornhole.org:
Don't be afraid, we want to hear about your cornholing ways. (Dear AmericanCornhole.org forum, I never thought this would happen to me . . . )
If all of this wasn't funny enough, last night I was relaxing on the couch with lady lascivious, and I made an offhand comment about the game, and her mom chimes in with "You know about cornhole?". She goes on to talk about the game for 5 minutes, how she knows someone who auditioned for a movie they are making about it, it's getting so popular, and I'm trying not to burst out laughing . . . I think I may have strained a muscle trying not to lose it, until she finally says "of course, you know there's another meaning to that word!"yeah, I know . . .