June 19, 2008
Kevin Smith ruins my wedding!
First Jersey Girl, now this!
Now, that's a bold statement.I'm a huge Kevin Smith fan . . . which isn't to say I'm a fan of Smith's ample girth . . . not that I have anything against fat people, I carry a few extra pounds myself . . . I'm just saying . . . fuck it, let me start over . . .
Kevin Smith has a new movie coming out! And it's not another Jersey Girl! Not to knock "Jersey Girl", it was a fine film in it's own right, it just wasn't at all what I wanted from a Kevin Smith movie. More power to him for trying something different . . . but not what I wanted. And it's not another Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back - a movie that makes me laugh my ass off, but not a film I would say represents the best he can do. I wouldn't mind another Jay and Silent Bob flick at some point, mindless humor is just what the doctor ordered some days . . . but Kevin has the ability to tell a story in his own unique way that, while it's funny and dirty and provocative, is also thought provoking and deep in that it touches upon the human element in a very real and visceral level . . . I'll even go as far as to say that Dogma explored some serious spiritual and theological issues (if you're willing to look for the truths hidden underneath the giant rubber poop monster).
So from the moment I first heard about his newest movie, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, I've been excited, anxious, impatient . . . not quite "fan-boy frothing at the mouth", but probably closer than I should be. I haven't followed his every blog during the shooting, but I do listen to his podcast weekly, and I knew it was coming late this fall, but I didn't have the release date burned into my memory - which is understandable . . . vast areas of my mind are deserts, where anything that happens to fall by the wayside dries up in the sunshine of my intellect until it's left laying along the side of the path like one of those skeletons you see in the cartoons . . . or maybe it's like the arctic tundra . . . and now I've totally forgotten what I was talking about . . . my point is, my memory sucks and have better things to do than obsess about the opening date of a movie that hadn't been filmed yet, or was being filmed, or just went into post production. I'm Magnificent bastard, and there's shit to do today!
And now it's today, and the first sneak trailer for Zack and Miri has been released . . . and it looks awesome. First things first - like the aforementioned Jersey Girl this film is not set in the now-mythical Askewniverse as most of his films have been. Unlike JG, though, it's much closer in form to his other works - it's funny and dirty, not sweet and cuddly. The movie centers around two platonic friends, Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) who have known each other since high school. They're both having some financial problems and Zack decides they should make a porno. She thinks it's silly because no one would want to see it . . . until he points out that everyone they went to high school with will want to see it because "two people we went to high school with made a porno?". And then they do. Make a porno, that is. And stuff happens. Probably butt sex. I'm kinda guessing about the butt sex, but Elizabeth Banks has been quoted as saying ""I think it's the sweetest, funniest movie you're ever going to see...that also has assfucking" . . . so yeah, probably butt sex.
The trailer (well, teaser) is funny. It may or may not actually be in the movie, I think it's just a teaser that Smith shot, with Rogen and Banks mostly improvising the audition process . . . but it's damn funny, and hopefully an indication of the humor and tone of the film. I laughed, and lady lascivious even gave it a chuckle and said "that's cute".
And then I went to IMDB to check the final release date . . . and the horror ensued. The damn thing opens up on October 31! Now I realize most of you don't know why that's so horrific . . . so what, it opens on Halloween. Like the Magnificent One could give a shit about Halloween. Nope, it just so happens that November 1st is quite the monumental day here at the CMDS lair. Magnificent Bastard and lady lascivious are joining our monkey mojo in holy matrimony . . . quite the shindig, as you might expect from two rock stars like us . . . I ain't givin' all the details, but lets just say it involves a castle and pirate regalia. And for some reason, we're expected to "rehearse" the wedding on . . . you guessed it . . . October 31st!
So I'm pretty sure opening night is out . . . and it's gonna be hard to sneak it in on the wedding day. And then I sorta promised her a honeymoon, which of course takes place in the most remote corner of the most remote portion of the state where there isn't even an Internet connection to download a pirated version of the film, let alone the whole awkward conversation about watching a movie about two friends making a porno movie on our honeymoon . . . and did you ever notice how the word awkward really looks . . . awkward? So I can either piss off the lady, which is way more dangerous than you can imagine . . . you may have seen a pissed off woman before, but I doubt you've had to deal with a pissed off cybermonkey goddess (trust me, you couldn't deal . . . there's a reason I'm Magnificent Bastard and you're not) . . . or I can wait a week or two to see the film . . . which is a very un-cybermonkey thing to do.
Or I could get into an early screening. Which is what I'll probably do. Because I am . . . a Magnificent Bastard.
Zack and Miri make a teaser!