October 26, 2007
Grindhouse and other random rants
Tron weighs in with his first rant . . . and can't contain himself!
Things have piled up this last week since I decided to fuck up every part of my personal life so I'm going to attempt to cover a few things all at once without my usual depth and erudition. I am going to give a SPOILER WARNING, however, because I'm sure I'll give something important to somebody away but them's the risks when your dealing with a monkey...
WHY GRINDHOUSE?: I have been asked by a lot of people, especially those people who didn't see Grindhouse in the theater and heard about it from cats like me, why Death Proof and Planet Terror were released separately and without the awesome trailers by Edgar Wright, Rob Zombie and Eli Roth. Now I'm no expert, but this is a very good question and I do have an explanation of sorts. The blame, as I see it, falls squarely on the shoulders of the Weinsteins who made every choice with Grindhouse except the right ones. The film was released on Easter weekend, for starters. Now, when you've got the whole family together for the holiday and grandma and the kids want to see a movie is Grindhouse the choice you are going to make? For Cybermonkeys like myself the answer is a resounding "yes" (I went to the Alamo Drafthouse the night before Easter and saw the all-night extravaganza which finished at 11:00 am) but to the average film goer surprisingly this was not the family outing they desired, especially with The Last Mimzy and Meet the Robinsons in theaters. If the Weinsteins were determined to keep the same schedule, why not release it a week earlier against Are We Done Yet? Or a week later against Disturbia? Either date would have sidestepped the holiday and given it more of a chance in theaters.
Speaking of more of a chance, where was the promotion? Two movies by two of Hollywood's most recognizable directors for the price of one movie! Good or not, how many times have you heard a pal complain that he didn't get his money worth from a movie? Ten bucks to get in, twenty bucks for snacks and a half-assed flick besides. The idea was sound - 2 movies for 1 price - and then what? A half page interview in Entertainment Weekly. Two pages in Rolling Stone. Encapsulated reviews in US Weekly and USA Today. This should have been the main selling point: VALUE. Commercials, print ads, radio all extolling the virtue of the Weinsteins, the only company not afraid to give you value for your dollar. We know you work hard for your money so here's a rare bonus from an industry known for greed, the Weinsteins leading the way in returning to the people that pay our way and you don't see Warner or Fox doing this, 'eh? So when you think entertainment, think Weinstein Company. However, that road was not taken and the result? Financial flop.
Why, also, wasn't Death Proof run up front before Planet Terror? I think some viewer's dissatisfaction with the overall product stemmed from the fact that the over-the-top, gangbuster style of Planet Terror overwhelmed the slow burn of Tarantino's piece. Had Death Proof run up front it would have given the audience time to sink into the deliberate pacing and buildup leading to the payoff and then into the insanity of Rodriguez's film, rather than see the explosive good time that is Bruce Willis' zombie army and then have to let the adrenaline wear off for the thinking man's tribute to Vanishing Point. I have less of a problem with Death Proof than most but the film would have been much improved if it led the extravaganza off.
Which finally brings me to the dvd releases. Two separate 2-disc editions with extra goodies and a Machete trailer. Not run together. Not featuring the fake trailers (a serious highlight). Rumors abound of a box set of the film as theatrically released with the trailers intact but digitally cleaned up and buffed to look more like a modern movie than a grindhouse-era classic. If true, you could then have your theatrical cake and eat it too by watching the retro versions separately. Which I say sucks. Why clean it up? It looked great. Why 2 versions? Why not just 1 excellent complete version? Well, reading the above it's obvious that this is the way the Weinsteins are planning to recoup lost monies from Grindhouse - by making the hardcore buy it twice, and we will to get the trailers and to see the movie the way we want to. So in effect we are being penalized for not seeing the film theatrically to the level the Weinsteins were hoping for. Not a week goes by that there is not some article quoting a Hollywood representative about how piracy is affecting Hollywood's sales and why ticket sales have declined and I believe this is misplaced blame. Shoddy product, maximizing profit from the backs of the audience, failing to deliver value for monies spent, lack of promotion and lack of ideas are more to blame than anything else and forcing people to buy 2 copies of 1 dvd to offset mistakes you made during the release will sink your profits faster than some 15 year old kid and a modem ever will. So there's Why Grindhouse.
30 Days of Night: Far be it from me to disagree with Magnificent Bastard, who is very good at spotting the best of the best and insightful as all hell, but he must have used his cybermonkey pull to see some director's cut or alternate version of the movie for his review. I am a common shlub so I was forced to pay regular ticket prices (Drafthouse again) and see the regular version everyone got to see. The reason I believe the Magnificent One got to see a special version is that the "regular" version should be titled "90 Minutes of Crap." Now, to preface, I was very excited about this movie. Even with Josh Hartnett in the trailer it still looked good. I had read the comic, which amounted to little more than a great idea that got worse each issue in practice (the 3rd act was so uninspiring that I thought Hollywood may actually improve on it) but the idea was good enough that the movie had some chance of being impressive. I excitedly got a ticket and prepared myself to be entertained.
Yet entertainment was sorely lacking due to the glaring logic flaws in the script and there are so many it's not worth going over them all. However, here's a few thoughts to mull over. Regarding the passage of time: did it pass? Take away the overlays that told you what day it was and the whole movie could have taken place in one to two nights rather than the supposed thirty. This is supported by point two which is no suspense. I honestly felt like I was watching the Texas Chainsaw 2003 remake where never once did I feel like anyone's life was truly in danger. The protagonists hide in an attic and the vampires state they will be ripping each house apart individually looking for survivors but must have started on the extreme edge of town because they never get around to living up to that promise. The closest to "suspense" in the whole of that scene is footsteps being heard on the roof and the one vampire that looks in the open door when grandad goes crazy and splits. Hysterically, everyone battles about raised voices and discovery without any actual threat of discovery. I would argue the only people who die after the opening attack are people who do something stupid and deserve the agonies inflicted upon them. How about the great pains the vampires take to ruin lines of communication and transportation to make the humans' survival chances decrease yet leave the grocery and hardware stores still standing? The humans stockpile food yet never refer to it afterward. What is it really like to be trapped for 30 days with all these considerations? The filmmakers just didn't seem to think this was important to explore when you can just have a bunch of people run into the street every so often to get eaten.
The vampires themselves look pretty awful except Danny Houston as the lead vampire who radiated a subtle menace the whole movie was sorely lacking. The makeup consisted of grabbing some goth kids, CGing them silver and "pushing in" areas of their faces which looked laughable rather than menacing. The "language" they used was a mishmash of screeches and gibberish that was more annoying than exotic and reminiscent of the ringwraiths from LOTR. The best scene the comic had to offer was when Dracula himself (implied) comes to dress the vampires down for exposing what took centuries to bury from humans' eyes and forces them to burn the town to cover their tracks yet this version has Houston offer up a paraphrase of this idea which plays as an afterthought ("Oh, fuck, people may think what we did was vampires. Let's just burn it then."). It seems other than a quick visit to Golden Corral the vampires were the most meaningless part of the whole film. With the advent of Van Helsing and Underworld (among others) what we seem to have lost is any dignity to the vampire whatsoever because filmmakers have lost sight of what makes them scary. They feel the need to constantly update and "freshen" the concept instead of focusing on the legitimate psycho-sexual control and unearthly powers that make the vampire a force of terror rather than an inbred powerless tool no better than the Slumber Party Massacre killer.
And where were the crosses, garlic and stakes? The "there is no God" speech may have been a tenuous explanation for the absence of religious iconography but once the threat is recognized ("hey, maybe it's vampires") not one character, not one, thinks about the traditional defensive and offensive protections legend has made available. And it's not that they had never seen a vampire film, as one of the characters makes a reference to "what killed Bela Lugosi may not work here." Yeah, but did you try? At all? (For the record, the only thing that stopped Bela Lugosi was a refusal to play Frankenstein and heroin). A big deal made that a gun doesn't work for killing vampires. True, but you can fuck them up pretty bad. Hard to swoop in and eat you when missing a couple of legs. Hard to digest when missing entrails. Make it a pain in the ass for them at least but noooooooo. Run to the street, get eaten.
A word on the cast. Josh Hartnett plays the role as too young to be a reasonable voice of authority and Melissa George (very attractive) serves only as Hartnett's baggage. It would have been nice to see something more than stock protagonists in a personal story that's been played out the same way in countless films. Oh, yeah, cool vampires would help a lot as well.
If the makers of 30 Days of Night were making a PG-13 movie it would stand as one of the best PG-13 movies ever done (see Black Christmas or When A Stranger Calls if you don't believe me) but as an R rated thriller it was definitely lacking. One good decapitation and one good brain holding scene don't bring the R. I had to ask my friends several times what the rating was because I couldn't figure out what made it an R in the first place. Kudos for releasing and adult horror film rather than some teen opus but after Feast and The Descent raised the bar 30 Days doesn't deliver.
I guess the final verdict would be 6 out of 10 but only because I wanted to like this movie and the idea is one worth exploring so as strange as this sounds I would like to see a second movie in the hopes it would actually live up to the promises of the clever premise.
HALO 3: Are there more than 5 maps on this thing? It seems like every time I play we get the same few maps. If I was Microsoft, not only would I have more money but I would make a priority for the first map pack. Seriously. Even a download of all the Halo 1 and 2 maps would give us the essential variety we need and would liven things up immensely, and prove cost effective seeing how those maps are online now anyway (on PC at least). Is anyone else bothered that we can't chose the style of match as well? Why not a lobby with more choices on setup and party? I think the online is awesome but a few more tweaks would improve the playing experience and reduce the amount of vetoes. The single player is better than Halo 2 but you knew that already.
QUICK HITS: If you can track down seasons of Peep Show or Shameless, 2 brilliant UK television series running in Channel 4, I urge you to check them out. Peep Show comes off as The Odd Couple with more neuroses, anger and drug use while Shameless is a poor, struggling lower class Waltons with more alcoholism, drug use, neuroses, nudity and laughs. Shameless reminds me more of Soap in the sense that each episode is very funny but once per episode you have the real-life drama that affects the whole cast and gives you a much more fulfilling viewing experience than a 40 minute version of Mad About You. Slayer's Reign In Blood dvd is also worth the effort to track down. Packed to the gills with interviews and extras, the dvd gives you 6 of Slayer's greatest tunes with the entirety of Reign in Blood done in order. Great camera work and definitely the cure for what ails you. DC Comics continues to be the Hot publisher with Countdown. Directly following Identity Crisis, Infinite Crisis and the brilliant 52, Countdown continues to deliver the blueprint for the DC Universe for the next 10 years. If you want to see the grand plan in action and watch it unfold, check this out. On the Marvel front, World War Hulk wraps up this month and so far has exceeded Civil War by quite a lot in terms of story and enjoyment. The fallout should contain some surprises (unlike the Initiative) and we still have the Skrulls coming so Marvel should pick up some steam by early next year. Keep your eyes on Phil Mucci and the Hive. These guys are super-talented and have a way of coming out of nowhere with the next big thing. Pay attention to PhilMucci.com for the coolest tips first.
The lure of Halo multiplayer is too strong and I must obey but fear not. More reviews are in the works as are more rants. Comments may be directed to Tron@cybermonkeydeathsquad.com and remember, these are only opinions designed to help our monkeys make more informed choices and to alert you to what's cool.
WHY GRINDHOUSE?: I have been asked by a lot of people, especially those people who didn't see Grindhouse in the theater and heard about it from cats like me, why Death Proof and Planet Terror were released separately and without the awesome trailers by Edgar Wright, Rob Zombie and Eli Roth. Now I'm no expert, but this is a very good question and I do have an explanation of sorts. The blame, as I see it, falls squarely on the shoulders of the Weinsteins who made every choice with Grindhouse except the right ones. The film was released on Easter weekend, for starters. Now, when you've got the whole family together for the holiday and grandma and the kids want to see a movie is Grindhouse the choice you are going to make? For Cybermonkeys like myself the answer is a resounding "yes" (I went to the Alamo Drafthouse the night before Easter and saw the all-night extravaganza which finished at 11:00 am) but to the average film goer surprisingly this was not the family outing they desired, especially with The Last Mimzy and Meet the Robinsons in theaters. If the Weinsteins were determined to keep the same schedule, why not release it a week earlier against Are We Done Yet? Or a week later against Disturbia? Either date would have sidestepped the holiday and given it more of a chance in theaters.
Speaking of more of a chance, where was the promotion? Two movies by two of Hollywood's most recognizable directors for the price of one movie! Good or not, how many times have you heard a pal complain that he didn't get his money worth from a movie? Ten bucks to get in, twenty bucks for snacks and a half-assed flick besides. The idea was sound - 2 movies for 1 price - and then what? A half page interview in Entertainment Weekly. Two pages in Rolling Stone. Encapsulated reviews in US Weekly and USA Today. This should have been the main selling point: VALUE. Commercials, print ads, radio all extolling the virtue of the Weinsteins, the only company not afraid to give you value for your dollar. We know you work hard for your money so here's a rare bonus from an industry known for greed, the Weinsteins leading the way in returning to the people that pay our way and you don't see Warner or Fox doing this, 'eh? So when you think entertainment, think Weinstein Company. However, that road was not taken and the result? Financial flop.
Why, also, wasn't Death Proof run up front before Planet Terror? I think some viewer's dissatisfaction with the overall product stemmed from the fact that the over-the-top, gangbuster style of Planet Terror overwhelmed the slow burn of Tarantino's piece. Had Death Proof run up front it would have given the audience time to sink into the deliberate pacing and buildup leading to the payoff and then into the insanity of Rodriguez's film, rather than see the explosive good time that is Bruce Willis' zombie army and then have to let the adrenaline wear off for the thinking man's tribute to Vanishing Point. I have less of a problem with Death Proof than most but the film would have been much improved if it led the extravaganza off.
Which finally brings me to the dvd releases. Two separate 2-disc editions with extra goodies and a Machete trailer. Not run together. Not featuring the fake trailers (a serious highlight). Rumors abound of a box set of the film as theatrically released with the trailers intact but digitally cleaned up and buffed to look more like a modern movie than a grindhouse-era classic. If true, you could then have your theatrical cake and eat it too by watching the retro versions separately. Which I say sucks. Why clean it up? It looked great. Why 2 versions? Why not just 1 excellent complete version? Well, reading the above it's obvious that this is the way the Weinsteins are planning to recoup lost monies from Grindhouse - by making the hardcore buy it twice, and we will to get the trailers and to see the movie the way we want to. So in effect we are being penalized for not seeing the film theatrically to the level the Weinsteins were hoping for. Not a week goes by that there is not some article quoting a Hollywood representative about how piracy is affecting Hollywood's sales and why ticket sales have declined and I believe this is misplaced blame. Shoddy product, maximizing profit from the backs of the audience, failing to deliver value for monies spent, lack of promotion and lack of ideas are more to blame than anything else and forcing people to buy 2 copies of 1 dvd to offset mistakes you made during the release will sink your profits faster than some 15 year old kid and a modem ever will. So there's Why Grindhouse.
30 Days of Night: Far be it from me to disagree with Magnificent Bastard, who is very good at spotting the best of the best and insightful as all hell, but he must have used his cybermonkey pull to see some director's cut or alternate version of the movie for his review. I am a common shlub so I was forced to pay regular ticket prices (Drafthouse again) and see the regular version everyone got to see. The reason I believe the Magnificent One got to see a special version is that the "regular" version should be titled "90 Minutes of Crap." Now, to preface, I was very excited about this movie. Even with Josh Hartnett in the trailer it still looked good. I had read the comic, which amounted to little more than a great idea that got worse each issue in practice (the 3rd act was so uninspiring that I thought Hollywood may actually improve on it) but the idea was good enough that the movie had some chance of being impressive. I excitedly got a ticket and prepared myself to be entertained.
Yet entertainment was sorely lacking due to the glaring logic flaws in the script and there are so many it's not worth going over them all. However, here's a few thoughts to mull over. Regarding the passage of time: did it pass? Take away the overlays that told you what day it was and the whole movie could have taken place in one to two nights rather than the supposed thirty. This is supported by point two which is no suspense. I honestly felt like I was watching the Texas Chainsaw 2003 remake where never once did I feel like anyone's life was truly in danger. The protagonists hide in an attic and the vampires state they will be ripping each house apart individually looking for survivors but must have started on the extreme edge of town because they never get around to living up to that promise. The closest to "suspense" in the whole of that scene is footsteps being heard on the roof and the one vampire that looks in the open door when grandad goes crazy and splits. Hysterically, everyone battles about raised voices and discovery without any actual threat of discovery. I would argue the only people who die after the opening attack are people who do something stupid and deserve the agonies inflicted upon them. How about the great pains the vampires take to ruin lines of communication and transportation to make the humans' survival chances decrease yet leave the grocery and hardware stores still standing? The humans stockpile food yet never refer to it afterward. What is it really like to be trapped for 30 days with all these considerations? The filmmakers just didn't seem to think this was important to explore when you can just have a bunch of people run into the street every so often to get eaten.
The vampires themselves look pretty awful except Danny Houston as the lead vampire who radiated a subtle menace the whole movie was sorely lacking. The makeup consisted of grabbing some goth kids, CGing them silver and "pushing in" areas of their faces which looked laughable rather than menacing. The "language" they used was a mishmash of screeches and gibberish that was more annoying than exotic and reminiscent of the ringwraiths from LOTR. The best scene the comic had to offer was when Dracula himself (implied) comes to dress the vampires down for exposing what took centuries to bury from humans' eyes and forces them to burn the town to cover their tracks yet this version has Houston offer up a paraphrase of this idea which plays as an afterthought ("Oh, fuck, people may think what we did was vampires. Let's just burn it then."). It seems other than a quick visit to Golden Corral the vampires were the most meaningless part of the whole film. With the advent of Van Helsing and Underworld (among others) what we seem to have lost is any dignity to the vampire whatsoever because filmmakers have lost sight of what makes them scary. They feel the need to constantly update and "freshen" the concept instead of focusing on the legitimate psycho-sexual control and unearthly powers that make the vampire a force of terror rather than an inbred powerless tool no better than the Slumber Party Massacre killer.
And where were the crosses, garlic and stakes? The "there is no God" speech may have been a tenuous explanation for the absence of religious iconography but once the threat is recognized ("hey, maybe it's vampires") not one character, not one, thinks about the traditional defensive and offensive protections legend has made available. And it's not that they had never seen a vampire film, as one of the characters makes a reference to "what killed Bela Lugosi may not work here." Yeah, but did you try? At all? (For the record, the only thing that stopped Bela Lugosi was a refusal to play Frankenstein and heroin). A big deal made that a gun doesn't work for killing vampires. True, but you can fuck them up pretty bad. Hard to swoop in and eat you when missing a couple of legs. Hard to digest when missing entrails. Make it a pain in the ass for them at least but noooooooo. Run to the street, get eaten.
A word on the cast. Josh Hartnett plays the role as too young to be a reasonable voice of authority and Melissa George (very attractive) serves only as Hartnett's baggage. It would have been nice to see something more than stock protagonists in a personal story that's been played out the same way in countless films. Oh, yeah, cool vampires would help a lot as well.
If the makers of 30 Days of Night were making a PG-13 movie it would stand as one of the best PG-13 movies ever done (see Black Christmas or When A Stranger Calls if you don't believe me) but as an R rated thriller it was definitely lacking. One good decapitation and one good brain holding scene don't bring the R. I had to ask my friends several times what the rating was because I couldn't figure out what made it an R in the first place. Kudos for releasing and adult horror film rather than some teen opus but after Feast and The Descent raised the bar 30 Days doesn't deliver.
I guess the final verdict would be 6 out of 10 but only because I wanted to like this movie and the idea is one worth exploring so as strange as this sounds I would like to see a second movie in the hopes it would actually live up to the promises of the clever premise.
HALO 3: Are there more than 5 maps on this thing? It seems like every time I play we get the same few maps. If I was Microsoft, not only would I have more money but I would make a priority for the first map pack. Seriously. Even a download of all the Halo 1 and 2 maps would give us the essential variety we need and would liven things up immensely, and prove cost effective seeing how those maps are online now anyway (on PC at least). Is anyone else bothered that we can't chose the style of match as well? Why not a lobby with more choices on setup and party? I think the online is awesome but a few more tweaks would improve the playing experience and reduce the amount of vetoes. The single player is better than Halo 2 but you knew that already.
QUICK HITS: If you can track down seasons of Peep Show or Shameless, 2 brilliant UK television series running in Channel 4, I urge you to check them out. Peep Show comes off as The Odd Couple with more neuroses, anger and drug use while Shameless is a poor, struggling lower class Waltons with more alcoholism, drug use, neuroses, nudity and laughs. Shameless reminds me more of Soap in the sense that each episode is very funny but once per episode you have the real-life drama that affects the whole cast and gives you a much more fulfilling viewing experience than a 40 minute version of Mad About You. Slayer's Reign In Blood dvd is also worth the effort to track down. Packed to the gills with interviews and extras, the dvd gives you 6 of Slayer's greatest tunes with the entirety of Reign in Blood done in order. Great camera work and definitely the cure for what ails you. DC Comics continues to be the Hot publisher with Countdown. Directly following Identity Crisis, Infinite Crisis and the brilliant 52, Countdown continues to deliver the blueprint for the DC Universe for the next 10 years. If you want to see the grand plan in action and watch it unfold, check this out. On the Marvel front, World War Hulk wraps up this month and so far has exceeded Civil War by quite a lot in terms of story and enjoyment. The fallout should contain some surprises (unlike the Initiative) and we still have the Skrulls coming so Marvel should pick up some steam by early next year. Keep your eyes on Phil Mucci and the Hive. These guys are super-talented and have a way of coming out of nowhere with the next big thing. Pay attention to PhilMucci.com for the coolest tips first.
The lure of Halo multiplayer is too strong and I must obey but fear not. More reviews are in the works as are more rants. Comments may be directed to Tron@cybermonkeydeathsquad.com and remember, these are only opinions designed to help our monkeys make more informed choices and to alert you to what's cool.