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Zombie Strippers

A movie about strippers, who are also zombies. Sounds like a win-win scenario, right? Does it deliver? Tron knows!
Starring: Robert Englund, Jenna Jameson, Laura Bach, Jeannette Sousa, Jennifer Holland
Rating: 5.5/10
Directed By: Jay Lee
Runtime: 94 minutes

This one should be easy, right? Seriously, by know everyone knows that I am totally down with zombies. The films have run the gamut from excellent to excrement but I have watched them all because how can you not? You also know, or have a pretty good idea I'm sure, that I'm down with strippers (ahem*exotic dancers) as well. So what you give me here is a movie, when judged by trailer, chock-full of zombies and strippers and the staggering implication that a stripper would become a zombie at some point - how is this not the greatest movie of all time? Where is this thing's Oscar buzz? Man, I gotta see this and if it isn't my favorite movie by tomorrow something is seriously wrong. Then they raise the bar - Robert Englund and Jenna Jameson (yeeeaaaahhh, that Jenna...and Tito!) are in the movie. Freddy and the Queen of Porn in a zombie movie. Good Christ, I thought, this is my favorite movie and I haven't seen more than the preview trailer! I put this on my priority list and completely forgot about it. Good friend Leo Alberti decided enough was enough and sent me the Zombie Strippers so now we are all here trying to figure out why none of us have seen the greatest movie of all time and why the press has been so recalcitrant to declare it as such... and it should be so easy, right? How do you screw this up?

The story begins in the near future where W Industries and the U.S. Government develop a "toxic, easily transmittable chemo virus that acts to reanimate tissue," according to the tongue-in-cheek news report that leads things off. Some people get all bent out of shape with comedy-horror but I don't mind it if it's not going for the most obvious, lowest common denominator gags possible but this here flick is pretty up front about where it's aiming and it is low. By rote, the "failsafe" system kinda isn't, zombies run amok and a crack team is sent in to restore order in the typical "show 'em how badass we are" military bit. One of the members, Byrdflough (Zak Kilberg), gets bit (shock!) and flees the scene, taking refuge in Rhino's, an exclusive and illegal strip club where Jenna is stripping up a storm. This is normally not a bad thing but it is also 2/3 of the part she's playing. Granted, major kudos for playing a stripper who actually takes her clothes off but her arc is pretty much stripping the whole time and I know where I can get whole videos of that. This is also our first indication that every girl in this film is hot - the doctor's assistant, the strike team girl, all the strippers... it's ridiculously awesome. We also get the tired subplot of Jesse (Jennifer Holland), the mid-west girl stripping for the first time and meeting her catty, stereotypical co-workers like the bitchy goth (Roxy Saint), the dumb blond (Whitney Anderson), the feisty redhead (Penny Drake) and Jenna's rival (Shamron Moore) who, of course, hate each other and her. Byrdflough, whom we have almost forgotten about, dies and Jesse gets her spotlight, tearing it up for a minute but cracks and flees the stage. More irony involving the strippers. Once the cast is sufficiently superficial, Byrdflough bites Jenna and is locked in the basement for future mayhem.

So far, shallow and predictable but we might as well spotlight the good right now: Robert Englund. I believe he was more hurt by the lack of even a cameo in the purported Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) remake than he lets on and has adopted a "fuck it" attitude in his role choices as of late, choosing parts for fun and infusing this role with the same joy and charisma as he did Jack Brooks Monster Slayer (2007). He is the owner of Rhino's and he plays "sleazy pimp" to the hilt. He's a total prick, tremendously vain and hates the strippers, carrying Lysol in case he brushes against them ("Never touch. Not the jacket, not the shirt, not the hair. You touch me again, I'll kill you."). He is also abusive and insensitive to his Mexican henchman Paco (Joey Medina) who, along with Englund, are the total standouts of this film. The script is fairly snappy but Englund and Medina are afforded several opportunities to really tear it up like when Englund grabs Paco's hand: "What color is this?" "Cappuccino." "Right. Meaning you're cleaning this entire fucking mess up. Can you handle that? Or do I have to find somebody else out in front of Home Depot?" Outside of all the hot chicks this is where the gold lies, dear viewer.

Anyway, Jenna re-animates and does a zombie dance. Englund sees profit and immediately announces her, much to the approval of the crowd. and thus solidifying his scumbag persona. Jenna even pulls a member of the audience out for a zombie lap-dance complete with zombie BJ, which kinda goes all I Spit on your Grave (1978). Apparently, being a zombie gives you extra strip powers because Jenna is raking in cash for the club and the goth girl asks to be turned. Soon, the hot regular girls are being cut out because all the guys want the super power zombie strippers and try to decide whether to beat 'em or join 'em. Customers continue to get bit and be locked away in the basement and the strike team, which we've totally forgotten about - even the hot one (Laura Bach) - wanders around trying to find out if the containment spread. It's at this point that one of the sub-plots takes the forefront as Jenna's rival has Byrdflough (remember him?) in the basement bite her so she can combat Jenna and boy, do they! Replete with gust-of-wind powers and vaginal ping pong ball shooting (no shit), the girls battle in a violent strip-off while all the caged zombies escape to add to the mayhem and the film breaks down as you'd expect from there. "Vaya con Ronnie James Dios," you say, "I could have told you that story in five minutes off the top of my head" and that, coupled with the mostly bad acting, is what sinks Zombie Strippers faster than the Titanic. It's just by rote, capitalizing on a bigger budget than most and the fact they got Freddy and Jenna.

By far classier than Evil Breed (2003) but those looking for action will be sorely disappointed. Limited script that wastes time with stripping and eating, thinly obviously story, consistently varying delivery by performer, hot chicks, nudity, decent blood... if you're a 16 year old boy this would be off the hook - kind of Ultraviolet (2006) but with more nudity. Sadly, as a fan of the genre, Zombie Strippers comes off as rather average and with the talent and premise you won't believe it but it's true. Don't not rent something in favor of this but if there's nothing else out and you're bored it's worth a view. Also, for the record, not my favorite film of all time...and it's a shame...because it should have been.