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Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

"Put your hands down, will ya? You're embarrassing us."
Starring: Harrison Ford, Shia LaBeouf, Karen Allen, Cate Blanchett, John Hurt
Rating: 3/10
Directed By: Steven Spielberg
Runtime: 124 minutes

Ok, no intro, no set-up, no putting things in context. Let's just get into it. Steven Spielberg and George Lucas have somehow taken a fireproof series and managed to make each sequel worse than the preceding installment. I believe this is because both Spielberg and Lucas have been at that stage in their careers where the paycheck is far more important than making a good film for the last twenty years. If the current trend of remaking classic films turns your stomachs, just feast your eyes on all the excellent franchises that are being dragged through the mud. Lucas has been roundly and rightly criticized since Return of the Jedi for deconstructing his mythology to the most vapid, lowest common denominator form of entertainment and losing sight of what made his films so interesting in the first place. Now, Lucas is the genesis of the story so one should go in expecting no less than Episode One and in this respect Lucas succeeds mightily. In the 19 years since The Last Crusade you'd figure Lucas would have taken some writing classes or smartened up and let someone else write this gig, a plan that had great success with Empire Strikes Back but by involving himself so heavily the audience is assured of the barest minimum of unsatisfying story - like a third draft.

I think it is safe to say that National Treasure 2, with it's faulty history, sketchy plot and random events haphazardly thrown together has twice the story of Indy 4. As a matter of fact, Indy 4 gets everything you need to know out of the way in the first half-hour. Indy is captured by Russians seeking a crystal skull for it's psychic potential and is intrigued enough by the idea to race the Reds for the prize. That's it. Sub-plots of interest? Well, there's a sub-plot but it's not so interesting. Shia LaBeouf is Indy's kid. Karen Allen reprises her role as Marion from Raiders of the Lost Ark in a role best described as needless. She is merely a device to pressure LaBeouf into telling the Russkies where the skull is and a pointless device as Indy and son are captured with no trouble nor any real idea Karen is in the film. This is the level of quality of the epic story Lucas and company are attempting to tell. Oh, and the fucking aliens. X-Files fans rejoice as Indy is taken so far from his usual adventures and thrust into ET (what, you thought this was just an anti-Lucas piece? Spielberg is GUILTY as well, my cybermonkeys, for even thinking this story was a good idea.)


The movie, then, is largely made up of hastily strung-together events of increasing stupidity. Indy survives a nuclear blast by hiding in a fridge, Indy repeatedly launches himself into cars containing four or more Russians and manhandles them and, in the dumbest shit I've seen all year, LaBeouf swings Tarzan-style with monkeys, oddly reminiscent of Chewbacca in Return of the Jedi, to overtake speeding cars. The worst thing you can do as a filmmaker is to create a situation that pulls the audience out of the film while the attempt to puzzle out what absolute bullshit they just saw. We lost Nate Hamilton when Cate Blanchett used "psychic powers" to read Indy's mind; we lost Chad with the nuke; Nate's wife dropped out with the alien crap and I held out longer than anyone because I really wanted to like this film. When Blanchett and LaBeouf began sword-fighting on top of two moving jeeps I had my "what the fuck?" moment and this is not a short scene. LaBeouf gets punched by five or six soldiers, cut by Blanchett, kicked by Blanchett Donnie Yen-style like eight times in the chest, falls out of the jeep, swings with monkeys and catches up to the careening vehicles to continue the battle with little or no ill effects. I'd seen a lot of tenuous and horrible shit in this film up to this point but by here I'd had enough. Too bad there's tons more like 3 unsurvivable waterfall drops and a moral that can only be described as moronic. Apparently, too much knowledge will vaporize you, which is what Spielberg and Lucas are counting on. If you knew about good films you'd eschew this dog but they know nostalgia sells and in 19 years you've forgotten what a good Indy looks like.

Now we do context. Temple of Doom was blasted for it's heavy story and "disgusting material" (bugs, monkey brains, heart-ripping) so Last Crusade and Indy 4 have pretty much aped Raiders and dumbed it down. In this film you even catch a glimpse of the Ark itself but I would argue you see the Ark the whole time. Transplant the skull for the Ark and Russians for Nazis when you watch the film (because you will - you've seen the other 3 and you think I'm wrong in this assessment so be prepared to eat crow) and it's sad right down to the electricity from the eyes dėnouement, except aliens will make this one better, right?

On to my favorite part: Shia LaBeouf. Whoever thought this kid could act should be killed, right after Shia LaBeouf. If you thought that white kid almost ruined Forbidden Kingdom, he comes off as Sir Alec Guinness compared to every agonizing second of Shia's "performance." Playing Mudd Williams, LaBeouf is "attitude" from the start. Maybe he was trying to channel Steve McQueen, which I'm sure is causing Steve's corpse to spin madly, but he fails miserably. You are sick of "you got a problem with that?" by the third time he says it and he says it a lot. Possibly a nod to Shia haters (but most likely accidental) Indy even castigates him for always acting tough. Chachi from Happy Days is harder than this guy. Whoever thought it was clever to have LaBeouf to ape Marlon Brando in The Wild One should also head the kill list. Seeing as this is set in 1957, LaBeouf is a "greaser," leather jacket, switchblade carrying and slicked-back hair he's obsessively combing, you'd figure the man who gave us American Graffiti would do a better job of making the film look like the Fifties instead of completely fake like most of the CGI or apparently sound-staged mockery.

Harrison Ford is the only good in the movie, besides some guys burning up in a rocket blast and the two guys Indy drives through. Ford knows this role so well and even though he's 80 when he gives that wry look and punches someone in the face you know you're watching Indiana Jones... in his dumbest adventure ever. The only interesting story bits are Indy's and you have to sift hard to find them because they're never followed up on. Colonel Jones apparently spent the early Cold War spying on the Russians, which I believe is a more interesting movie. There is a reference to Indy riding with Pancho Villa which is also a more interesting film but we get this one. Anyhow, you end up feeling sorry for Ford (and Indy) more than anything for not standing up and saying "I cannot accept this crap."

Cate Blanchett, rumored actress, does her best Natasha (as in Boris and...) playing a "psychic scientist" but has no opportunity to put the stamp on being a bad guy because of all the stupid things she has to do. She is largely reduced to a bad haircut and accent for 2 hours. The two smartest people in all this were Sean Connery, for having the ability to read a terrible script and say "no," and Denholm Elliott, for being dead and thus unable to participate.

I could go on and on but, as stated earlier, you're gonna say "hogwash" and go anyway, trusting that I'm high and thus wrong. I counter with the fact that there's not enough drugs to make this movie passable. It's an insult to Ford, to Indy and to the audience and I'm still pretty angry because I grew up with Indy. Harrison Ford was the best actor of my generation and made a huge impact on me as a kid and I am embarrassed as hell that this is how the series goes out (and disgusted that if it continues, LaBeouf will star). The final tally, by the way:

Dr. Roxxo: 2
Nate Hamilton: 2
Ne'Leigh Hamilton: 2
Me: 3
RL:4
Sandwich Dan: 5