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The Hills Have Eyes II

Boring, boring, stupid, boring. Repeat as necessary.
Starring: Michael McMillian, Jessica Stroup, Danielle Alonso, Jacob Vargas, Lee Thompson Young
Rating: 1/10
Directed By: Martin Weisz
Runtime: 89 minutes

To Whom It May Concern:
After viewing your film, I would like to request a refund. You can keep the money I spent on my ticket . . . I just want an hour-and-a-half of my life back.

The original The Hills Have Eyes (1977) was a great film in the horror sci-fi genre. Brutal and raw, it captivated the sights and senses, and brought you to a place where you were actually scared while you watched it. Michael Berryman gave an iconic performance that terrifies me to this day (one which he very cleverly parodied in Weird Science). The remake in 2006 was, in my not-at-all humble opinion, not nearly as good, but director Alexandre Aja delivered some truly terrifying scenes and held my interest. His remake had some mystery, and one could see the artistry in its gore. I think I would have liked it more if I wasn't having to compare it to the original.

Everything that was great about those movies is missing from this movie. To call it a cookie-cutter gore fest would be giving it too much credit. Formulaic would have been nice. This was pathetic. I think there was a plot at the beginning, but that would imply that the movie made some sense. But I could even forgive that . . . I've enjoyed movies with less plot than this before. Give me gore, give me fear, give me shock-and-awe, just entertain me!

The Hills Have Eyes II committed a sin that just can't be excused, especially in a "horror" film. It BORED me. When I have an image on screen of a woman being choked by a mutant while she digs her fingers into his exposed brain, I shouldn't be looking at my watch . . . but I was.

It wasn't even bad in a "so bad it's good" sort of way. I tried to find something funny in all the crap of this movie, but it just wasn't there. I laughed once at one of Michael McMillian's attempts to express an emotion (not sure WHICH emotion he was going for, maybe he wasn't sure himself), but it just wasn't in the cards.

The special effects were awful (too much CGI), the mutants were just mean guys in bad makeup. I could go on and on, but honestly, it's not worth the effort.

Bad, boring, blah.

Trust me - this one ain't worth your time.