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For Your Height Only

"That little man has done it to us again. He's made a monkey out of the forces of evil!"
Starring: Weng Weng
Rating: 9/10
Directed By: Eddie Nicart
Runtime: 88 minutes

The producers of 2006's Casino Royale struggled with the notion of how to update James Bond for a new generation and "make him cooler." Never mind the fact that Pierce Brosnan's Bond tetralogy made over $300 million every outing but having watched the first four the last few nights has got me confused about the "cooler" part (unless they mean more like James Coburn in the Flint series which is merely an excellent parody of Bond himself). Despite the desire for a needless upgrade to Bond's character, the secret to re-hipping Bond was delivered as early as 1981 - shrink him down to 3' tall and make him a remorseless machine of sex and violence! Which is what the makers of For Your Height Only did, creating one of the most entertaining films of any genre as well as a spy saga worthy of Eric Ambler or Ian Fleming himself.

Throughout the 21 Bond films our hero has had his amoral moments (he forces sex on ladies all the time in the beginning) and has been accused of misogyny and sexism (amongst other things) but if you were to remove any redeeming qualities, ramp up his lust to kill, make him tiny and turn him loose on whomever, he will spy, mack and murder his way to victory. Weng Weng plays Agent 00, the greatest spy the world has ever known. Much like other heroes of spy cinema Weng is an expert marksman, kung-fu master, street fighter, floor slider, dodger, gadget user, detective, knife-thrower and pimp. Separating him from the pack: he's 3' tall. He can hide behind a car and not peek over the hood. Plus, he totally laughs every time he kills someone. Every time. His mission: to retrieve the kidnapped scientist Von Kohler from Mr. Giant, who desires his N-bomb formula and this mission puts all of Weng's talents to use.

The movie picks right up as Weng, who has a good eye for trouble...and the ladies, saves Lola from being shot, hears her story and jumps right into action (he doesn't even know about Von Kohler, unless he's psychic as well) . The dialog in this movie is some of the best in cinema history and I will be quoting liberally, the perfect example being Lola's story: "Well, [the gang's] big on drugs and they said they'd peddle my pretty bod as a prostitute. Now I get shot at once or twice a week... one of these days it's bye-bye Lola." Lola and Weng also have a bizarre phone conversation which is so subliminally clever my pal Chad didn't even catch it:

Weng: "Listen carefully. This is important."

Lola: "Interesting."

Weng: "Check it out."

Lola: "I'll go right now."

Weng: "Meet you there."

It is scenes like this that make me wonder if the script is actually like this or if the translators went nuts but either way whomever is responsible should be given piles of cash to make an unlimited number of movies. Even the bad guys deliver all their dialog in 40s Noir, mimicking Peter Lorrie, James Cagney and Edward G. Robinson in their best "talk or you'll ear lead" phases.

What would a Bond be without a visit to Q? Well, in the Philippines a low budget film means M and Q are the same dude but twice as entertaining for that fact. Weng is given a two-way communicator pendant ("watch the light"); a poison detecting ring made of gold instead of platinum ("budget problems, you understand"); a "freshly-built humdinger" of a pistol; a "dopey-looking" democratic national convention-style hat which can be Odd-Jobbed and controlled by the ring; a pen ("it won't write words but you can't have everything"); a belt buckle ("inside is a gang of gimmicks. It has many uses, uh...slices steel bars. I'd keep it handy") and the Pièce de résistance: shades ("you know what these are for, 'eh?"). Suitably armed and pimped out, Weng heads off to find Mr. Giant.

Mr. Giant knows what he's about too. He needs gold "on account of cost run-ups and inflation. Bombs are expensive." Drug-smuggling will raise cash and Mr. Big uses bread to smuggle his stash. As Cobra, the assistant boss, Edward G's, "Nobody could begin to guess there's a lot of dough in this dough the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. Happy pushing. Happy pushing (exact dialog)." He wants to push drugs to every kindergarten and sandbox ("We're gonna teach 'em something about pleasure.") Mr. Giant's crew is technologically advanced as well, possessing an interocitor for communication. The thugs even recite verse! "He's a mass killer, that double O, who will be the next to go?"

Who indeed? Weng has no compunction about whom he kills. In one series he defeats attackers by hiding under a bush and kicking the dudes in the nuts (which can kill them. So can a kick to the stomach. Remember, all his Fu is crotch-height and he giggles when he's killed them). He flies down the stairs onto two dudes, runs down a landing for no reason and back up to kick them in the face again before attending to his business which includes sliding across a hardwood floor to dispatch a foe, do a comedy bit with some chick, mack on said chick and Mary Poppins himself off the 40th floor of a building holding an umbrella with which a thug in the previous conflict had "shot" at him with (budget problems, you understand). However, all the ruthlessness in the world cannot stop the plot's need to have him and a co-spy named Irma captured ("You're surrounded on all sides!"). Weng actually tears up when he knows Irma is caught, revealing not only his emotive skills as an actor but a lighter side to this brutal machine. Weng, of course, kills some dudes and escapes, prompting a Legion of Doom-type planning session:

Cobra: "He's as slippery as an eel. How do you hold on to an eel?"

Thug1: "To be beaten by a lousy eel. We must get him at all costs. Otherwise we've got to leave town."

Cobra: "The rotten murderer. Four more to bury."

Thug2: "Insurance is getting high, man. My old woman's complaining."

Cobra: "We gotta find a plan that works. I declare war on that little stinker!"

This forces a showdown wherein Irma uses Weng as Jet Li did Aaliyah in Romeo Must Die and Weng remorselessly plays with Cobra by hiding behind a hedge and playing pop-up before delivering the hammer.

Now it's time for Weng to get it on and Irma is the willing partner:


Irma: "You're a great person, you know."

Weng: "You know what they say, 'taint the size, it's how you use it."

Irma: "Maybe, but are you a sexual animal?"

Weng: "I don't know."

Irma: "I'm crazy about you, Agent 00. Why, I don't know. Maybe it's the way you strut your stuff. You know, sex is like tequila. Take one sip and you're a gonner."

Weng: "Shall we get it on?"

Irma: "Yes, darling, bare your bod."




Once invigorated, Weng doesn't have to wait long to kill again as he is ambushed at his own hotel. Weng shoots his attacker in the arm, forcing him to flee. Weng pursues, looking to finish his thug ass off. Damn. Misses him. Flash ten minutes. Weng's chillin' at a sidewalk cafe and spies the wounded thug across the street, fresh from suffering chastisement for being an idiot. Weng ashes his smoke and tears off immediately for vengeance, appearing briefly to cause flight in his victim, then jumping out ahead of him and Weng-Wengin' it up. His "fall back and shoot" signature move and some nifty sword skills carry Weng through some more hijinks and Weng falls off a 50' bridge (which looks huge because he's 3' tall) and survives. He does discover a map, however, of a coastline and an island with the word "hidden" written beneath it and an arrow pointing right at it so he uses his deductive skills and proceeds to head that way. Turns out the island is actually called Hidden Island and, just like Lovecraft's Necronomicon, everyone knows where it is.

At exactly minute 75, Von Kohler appears for the first time since his kidnappery in the opening scene and just in time for the bad craziness of the film's finale. A huge battle ensues between guys dressed in red and guys dressed in blue (no shit), all wearing nice little berets, and in the middle of it is Weng Weng, laughing and killing his way to Mr. Big in a showdown worthy of Sabu and Terry Funk in barbed-wire. It's said a lot but it really just has to be seen. Weng even gets a jetpack like Thunderball but unlike Thunderball you can see the wires pulling on Agent 00's jacket.

Blah, blah, blah love spy films, love this. This really is one of the great entries in the parody spy genre along with the Flint films, Casino Royale (1967), the Matt Helms and Diabolik. The ripped-off Bond score really helps draw you in to the absurd happenings and you get the sense that the crew really did watch a lot of Bond. The merciless dialog constantly punishes your auditory senses in such a delightful way ("So this is how you communicate with your little Wang.") and Weng Weng is one of the greatest discoveries since Gary Coleman. There are two alleged sequels, The Impossible Kid and Agent 00, which I certainly hope is true. As I stated before, these guys should be heaped with cash like Phil Mucci should be heaped with cash and allowed to make an unlimited amount of films. Seek this out as your X-mas (or any time really) treat to yourself and make it your next rental/purchase.