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Danger: Diabolik

"They've been inside for hours. Such a waste of us."
Starring: John Philip Law, Marissa Mell, Michael Piccoli, Adolfo Celi, Terry Thomas
Rating: 8/10
Directed By: Mario Bava
Runtime: 100 minutes

The literature of villainy has spawned criminal masterminds equally as capable and entertaining as the hero that attempts to stop them. Sax Rohmer's Fu Manchu was far more clever than Nayland Smith; Moriarty was never entirely stopped by Sherlock Holmes, Blofeld's S.P.E.C.T.R.E. haunted James Bond throughout the novels and Sean Connery's run (and rumored to threaten Daniel Craig in #22), the Stainless Steel Rat was captured and forced to work for the Special Corps and still pulled off some of his greatest capers. Added to this list is Diabolik, master thief and all around criminal genius. Based on the 1962 Italian comic book series by Angela and Luciana Guissani, auteur director Mario Bava, better known for Gothic horror masterpieces like Black Sunday, brings to the screen an obvious homage to Bond yet at the same time creates a kitschy, psychedelic treat with a character more compelling than many heroes the audience is conditioned to like.

Our super-thief Diabolik (John Philip Law) does not wait to create mayhem; the film begins with a complicated cash transfer of ten million dollars by the constabulary which our boy, dressed in his awesome, Fantomas-style stealth suit, intends to steal, despite their "full-proof" plan. He does this by ejecting multi-colored smoke out of his car exhaust, forcing the police to abandon their vehicle. He then uses a magnetic crane to remove the ten million (and car) intact and escapes by boat. Bam! Opening credits. Bava keeps the pace on Danger: Diabolik flowing at a decent clip and in this case it's because Diabolik has plans for the cash - to make love to his girlfriend on it, of course! He and Eva (Marissa Mell) make love on a circular bed that's just heaped with cash, reminiscent of Barks' Scrooge swimming in his bin only with more sex. I have repeated notes to the effect that Marissa Mell, who plays Eva, is pretty attractive (yet with different adjectives) and Diabolik obviously thinks so too since he steals basically to enhance his sex life with Eva! Oh, and to make fools of the police, led by one Inspector Ginko (read: Nayland Smith - capable and clever, yet ultimately no match, played by Michel Piccoli).

Diabolik likes Eva a lot, it seems, as the police begin to crack down on crime like crazy. "Our own newspapers are screaming for action. And that is precisely what I intend giving them: vigorous, clear-sighted action!" Exhorts Terry Thomas as Minister of the Interior and immediately sets about re-instating the death penalty. Diabolik, in response, pretends to be a photographer at a press conference carrying a camera rigged with "Exhilarating Gas," which he uses liberally on Thomas and the crowd but only after swallowing his own "anti-exhilarating gas capsules." That'll teach 'em. The police are quick to see this repeated pattern of robbery and humiliation so Inspector Ginko is granted "special powers" to deal with this threat to the dignity of law and order. This does not sit too well with the run-of-the-mill, non-super criminal element, led by Ralph Valmont (Adolfo Celi almost reprising his Largo character from Thunderball). Valmont is a villain's villain; he sneers, he's cruel, he's funny - "I'm sorry to hear that, Frank, dead sorry. What flowers would you like me to order? No, no, really. What flowers?" - but this crackdown is too much. He calls Ginko and brokers a deal to help bring Diabolik in, which subsides the crackdown but causes tension amongst the syndicate, who voted for the plan 5 to 3. Problem-solver that he is, Valmont shoots two of the dissenters and drops the third out of a plane. "If we all work together on this, tough luck Diabolik."

Who is, as usual, up to his libidinously-motivated tricks, attempting to steal the Aksand necklace for Eva's birthday. The necklace is a Ginko trap, which Diabolik spots right off ("If you didn't see him, he's there.") but he has a white Fantomas suit this time so he's confident. He should be too because after a little clever subterfuge with a Polaroid the necklace (and Eve's booty once again, presumably) is his. He eludes pursuit by catapulting a dummy dressed in his suit and tricks a car full of cops off a cliff. Eva, however, suffers misadventure in this scene by poking herself in the arm bad enough to seek medical attention. She gets the "infra-red treatment" which begins with a topless rubdown but ends when Valmont breaks in to kidnap her and waste the doctor. "San Francisco dropped you out of the medical register... I'll drop you out of the human register." Diabolik has no choice but to trade himself and his ill-gotten gains for the safe return of Eva.

The proposed transaction occurs on Valmont's plane which, of course, Diabolik gets dropped out of, but not before dragging Valmont with him into yet another Ginko trap! Eva gets tortured by a cigarette! Diabolik MacGyver's some bullets! Diabolik can still his heart for 12 hours like Flint using the art of Krushan which Tibetan lamas have used for 3000 years! Diabolik is a master of disguise! Diabolik blows up tax offices all over the country, causing governmental financial disarray! Ginko decides on one last ploy: make an ingot out of 20 tons of gold ("Of course, our gold reserves certainly have dwindled recently") and encase it and let him steal that! The subsequent attempt and train destruction and crazy 2-seat sub all lead us to a good versus evil climax in the Diabolik-cave with all the requisite shooting and spraying gold and jumping about that one would expect from a ripping heist picture of this caliber.

Bava, Art Director Flavio Mogherini and Set Dresser Ennio Michettoni create a wonderful sci-fi mod look to Danger: Diabolik that perfectly captures the futuristic and progressive, yet colorful and trippy aesthetic established by other Italian homages such as Modesty Blaise, Fathom and Barbarella. The Diabolik-cave is a wonderful design of Asmovian futurism, and Bava et al even include the obligatory 60s dance party, complete with hippie guitar players, a giant xylophone player, a chick covered in leaves, mary-jane toking and a blurry yet colorful setting covered with Bava's trademark unusual camera angles. He loves the widescreen format, as evidenced by Diabolik's attempt on the necklace. When he hits the beach, the camera is low and Diabolik's face is centered on the lower right of the frame. He stops and in the upper left the guard he's spotted fades into view. It is this combination of brilliant setting and stellar camera choices that elevates Danger: Diabolik above the usual Mystery Science Theater fare and firmly entrenches it in the cannon of excellent genre homages.

Danger: Diabolik should fit snugly on your shelf amongst Roman Polanski's CQ and Dean Martin's Matt Helm and definitely fill that nagging hole between Black Sunday and Planet of the Vampires in your Bava section. It would work excellently as an opener to For Your Height Only or Challenge of the Tiger as well. So sit back and enjoy a tale of one of the great criminal masterminds to ever steal for the sake of a hot chick.