April 15, 2007
Beatallica - Part 2!
What do you get when you take the 4 guys from Beatallica and subject them to 14 questions from the combined minds of the CyberMonkeyDeathSquad? We didn't know, but we really wanted to find out . . .
We wanted to come up with a standard set of questions to ask bands . . . kind of like James Lipton, but not nearly as lame. Things got weird, words were exchanged, things were thrown, stuff was broken . . . but when we were finished, we had a list of questions no one else would ever ask. Some might even say a list of questions no sane musician would ever answer. Lucky for us, we don't know any sane musicians. But we do know Beatallica, and there's no one we'd rather have be the first victims of the CyberMonkey Interrogation! Enough talk - On With The Questions!
1. What is the most embarrassing song you know how to play?
Kliff:The Electric Slide
GRG: A song that counts to 11, from Sesame Street.
Jaymz: "I'll Tumble for Ya'" Culture Club
Ringo: Honestly, i'm not embarrased by any songs i know how to play.
1A. Why do you know that song?
Kliff: I did a stint in a disco band. Lotsa eye-candy , a pittance of money, zero pride.
GRG: I use it to warm up kids for the inevitable acoustic version of Whiplash.
Jaymz: Spoof fest 2005. It took me hours to do my hair.....
2. If you were a monkey, what kind of monkey would you be?
Kliff: Orangutan, because they were the scientists in Planet Of The Apes
GRG: A spider monkey
Jaymz: A 4-assed McBurtney.
Ringo: i would have said spider monkey, but GRG already said that so i will say a "brass monkey"
3. What's the meanest thing you've done to another musician?
Kliff:Kicked 'em outa a band. But I had to, dude sucked.
GRG: Told them the truth.
Jaymz: Told them I could play guitar...my first show with an instrument in my hands....awful...but hey, our original guitar player missed the gig cuz he "had to make a pizza". so who's the mean one here?....
Ringo; It really sucks when the other guys in the band answer before you,... but besides kicking people out of bands, like Kliff said, i really haven't done to much mean shit to others musicians.
4. What's the stupidest thing you've ever heard someone say onstage?
Kliff: So the police come into the joint, looking for a shooting suspect. My drummer at the time chime in through the PA "Now let's play I Shot The Sheriff" Fucking Brilliant , dumbass! The fuzz didn't take it to kindly.
GRG: Oh shit I really fucked up that last song, sorry.
Jaymz: Racial remarks against African Americans while the 6'6'' African American bouncer was staring at him in stunned disbelief. The resulting events were worth the price of admission alone....
Ringo: Let me get back to you on this one,... i'm waiting for our next show,.... then i'll tell you what Kliff said.
5. Everyone has a "gig from hell" story - tell us your worst.
Kliff: It has to be playing a completely different song than my pennywhistlist in front of a festival audience. Talk about communication breakdown. Of course, we were each to stubborn to stop and correct the problem, so we just kept playing and frowning at each other.
GRG: Combine 2 ex-girlfriends, a hangover, lots of beer, death defying drunk driving and mix it with an off night playing and you get the worst gig ever. Man, don't make me relive that!
Jaymz: How about the one where after the show, a kid jumped off a cliff into the river and killed himself and his parents blamed it on me...That was months/years of sorting that out...
Ringo: maybe i'm really lucky, or just boring, but besides a few little set-backs here and there, i don't have hellish gigs,... they are all great in some way, despite if they are going badly.
6. Did you originally start playing music for the fame, or the sex, or to piss someone off?
Kliff: You forgot money. It is all a scam though, as 99% of folks will never see any of those in their musical career. If that is why you are doing it, don't waste your time. Go be something respectable like a doctor. They get all the chicks and money, and they can prescribe their own drugs, too.
GRG: I would have to say fame, although I never quite thought of it that way. I just saw that Ibanez Destroyer gleem, I heard the shred and knew instinctively that guitar players were the coolest motherfuckers around. Of course I wanted to be just like them.
Jaymz: Considering I started piano with my gramma at age 5, the booty was out of the question. Though my gramma was quite a good dancer, and not afraid to strut. I think I started playing rock cuz of KISS and Ace Frehley. I have a '75 Les Paul sunburst cuz of that man...
Ringo: mostly fame,... then the sex,....and as soon as we start making money i can start to buy both.
7. Define poser.
Kliff: Anybody who needs to ask this question.
GRG: Someone that thinks a record company knows what art is supposed to be.
Jaymz: Doesn't have to be through music. Could be anyone who is trying to sell you something that has no substance.
Ringo: Thirty-something people who still do all of their clothes shopping at Hot-topic.
8. Would you rather play a year solid at: Bob's Country Bunker or the Holiday Inn Lounge?
Kliff: I would have to go with the Holiday Inn Lounge. They have a pool, right?
GRG: Bob's for sure, country girls are hot.
Jaymz: Bob's, I agree. Country music can be rippin good fun.. But not pop country. That would be done on karaoke at the Holiday Inn..
Ringo: Holiday Inn man,... I used to be houseman at one when i was 17. The pool, the sport-court,... what more could you want.
9. Who's your Favorite Muppet?
Kliff: Oscar the Grouch if we are talking about all of Jim Henson's creations. He looks kinda like my brother.
If we are talking strictly Muppet Show muppets, then I would have to go with Mad Jack the triangle player in the orchestra with the explosives.
GRG: Hands down it has to be Gonzo, what a nose.
Jaymz: Sweetums. I had a life-size poster in my kitchen in my first apartment after college.
Ringo: do i even need to answer this.......of course its Animal. What do think I'm going to say,.... Janice or something. Although Beeker is cool too.
10. Why does Lars suck so much?
Kliff: Ringo Lars? Yeah he sucks ass. He can't take a joke, he is always losing his van, he eats 4 times his own body weight, and he rarely sleeps. I really hate the way he clicks his sticks before a song, too. Why can't he be more like Lars Ulrich, our savior?
GRG: Well there IS a reason we make him wear the pink Sgt. Pepper suit.
Jaymz: He is obviously the prettiest of anyone in this band. That Ed Sullivan suit makes him look like Miami Vice dude. Plus I have to room with him, watch him "moisturize", and shave his armpits. Like that benefits anyone! Anyone have a clothespin?...
Ringo: what makes you fuck faces think this question is about me..... fuck all of you cock suckers,.... You all can kiss my ass..... I guess Kliff is right,... i can't take a joke.
11. Name an album someone has mocked you for owning.
Kliff: John Denver's Greatest Hits
Jaymz: Kristin Hersh--"Hips and Makers"
Ringo: Jeff Buckleys--Grace
11A. Now, defend that album!
Kliff: John Denver was a musical genius, and he cared about the Earth and all who live on it. His death saddened me.
GRG: No one has ever been brave enough to mock me so I can't say.
Jaymz: I love Throwing Muses and Kristin. Have met her several times. First time, I literally bumped into her in a rain storm in Chicago. I looked at her and I was a bumbling idiot, totally shy and tripping over my words. She signed a heart on my arm and I nearly melted....
Ringo: To anyone who would dare say Jeff wasn't a God,.. Just try and listen to Grace, and not walk away with a new sense of how music should be.
12. Could Lemmy be more awesome?
Kliff: I don't know I haven't met him yet. I do know that he plays Rickenbackers, and was in Hawkwind. That's pretty awesome!
GRG: I don't see how
Jaymz: If he joined us at Earthshaker Festival in Germany this July, that'd be a good start! Mickey Dee too. He's fucking killer.
Ringo: If he was president, then yes he would be more awesome.
13. What will it say on your tombstone?
Kliff: I always wanted a quote from Megadeth: Beware my friend as you pass by, as you are now, so once was I, as I am now so you will be. Prepare my friend to follow me. That pretty much says it all
GRG: I always hoped there wouldn't be enough left of me to warrant a grave.
Jaymz: "So fill to me the parting glass. Good night and joy be with you all". Lyrics from "The Parting Glass", an Irish traditional tune I love.
Ringo: I don't believe in tombstones,.... that's not just my thought,... that's what it will say.
14. Finish the following sentence: If I weren't playing music, I'd be . . .
Kliff: If I weren't playing music, I'd be off getting high somewhere. Fortunately I can multitask.
GRG .doing some other sort of artsy shit that wouldn't be as cool.
Jaymz: If I weren't playing music, I'd be writing more poetry (really, I did a book a few years ago), taking cooking classes, and playing a helluva lot of baseball.
Ringo: If i weren't playing music i would be, spending more time with kids,... hey,... i do have a heart.
The verdict? Beatallica once again prove that they are Much Monkey!